Can I Love You Like It’s The Last Time?

It’s funny how things work out. People fall in love, then out of love. High schoolers and even middle schoolers get with others and claim to be in love and foolishly lose it all. I’m a little confused- boys have never quite been my forte. I’ve just returned from one of the most awkward trips I’ve experienced. Run-ins with ex’s are bound to happen, right? I mean since school is right around the corner for most of us, I was bound to see him anyway. But maybe I just wasn’t ready? Seeing him again made me feel like a spectrum of pop songs were written about our situation. It’s kind of funny actually. I’m psycho- don’t get me wrong. I probably have the weirdest personality ever. Or maybe I don’t, because that’s considered normal to me. I’m a crazy, passionate, anxious, loving, and over-estimating dreamer. I’m actually really sensitive underneath it all. Behind the genuine smile, constant compliments that pour out of me, and wishful thinking- I’m a dreamer who over analyzes and is easily hurt. I have high anxiety but I’m also a really loving and caring person. My respect is given instantly upon meeting and my trust is easily earned but hard to earn back when broken. When I’m undergoing one of my anxiety attacks, I flip shit and act like a total bitch. Over all, I’m super passionate. I either give it my all or nothing.

I was looking for a meaningful relationship. I had one, I guess. But I lost him due to his own personal reasons. I’m not saying I don’t miss him I’m saying I do  but it IS kind of hard to not miss someone who was such a big part of your life for such a long time, you know? My first break up, my first real heartbreak. Man, I’m growing up. I’m not an adult yet, but these childish games have tired me out. Have you ever been through a really tough break up? It’s been almost 3 weeks and I’m still stuck on this when I just want things to go back to normal but I know they won’t.  I just want to be friends and I want to end these “He said, she said” games. People outside of the situation are starting to perk their ears toward us and the messy break up is pretty high profile. I think it’s pretty much my fault; I’m not good at concealing my emotions. I could never be like Blair Waldorf. Most guys are turned off by my inability to pull a poker face and not be so emotional. I just feel like that’s me. Everyone has their perks and horrible little secrets. I guess mine isn’t so bad but I probably have a lot more horrible ones that I’m just oblivious to.  I just want to feel like me again. No more crying, pushing myself to get ready, or feeling annoyed. Well, they never said it would be simple or easy… I just wish it could be.

I’m horrible with guys. The stupid flings in high school don’t interest me. In fact, my radar for romantic feelings is so horrible I can’t tell when a guy is genuinely interested in me as a friend or just trying to get close to me. I probably should get sharper in that department, I’ve led a couple of guys on and I really didn’t know. I’m just REALLY looking for that one guy who IS really interested in being my friend and only my friend. But any guy who has managed to wedge their way into my inner circle like that has always had a bigger picture in mind. There are the ones who are genuinely sweet and those who have… well bad intentions. I guess I could describe them as Holly Golightly would;

Quel Rat!

I’m just getting ahead of myself.

Always Quixotic,




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